I am going to be as honest as I can with myself. I am in love with them. Yet I find myself alone, distanced by this love. It’s painful to hold so much of it within me, unable to release it. Boundaries have been set. How do I move on? How do I let go of someone so deeply entwined with my feelings, someone who feels like such a natural part of me? How do I keep this love to myself, all alone?
It’s easier, at least on the surface, to accept that they do not love me. It was a hard pill to swallow, a pill that feels like a rock lodged in my chest. Forget analyzing the reasons behind their falling out of love. Apparently, it can just happen. But I’m still here. In love. Dead set.
So many rules. No contact. Block. Archive the number. Remove. Sever. Self-respect.
So many messages echo in my mind: “You don’t deserve this.” “You settled.” “Distracted…” “Replaceable.”
Was it real? It was, they say.. sad
I was sincere too. The wind blows softly on these sultry nights.
Every night, I find myself awake at 3:30. Soul-tied.
Don’t people pray to be loved this way? For something like this to be abandoned so easily… it’s sad. It’s heavy. A miracle we called it. I hoped, prayed, and loved this way… until I felt it no more.
I felt alone. Isn’t it always like this? Or maybe this is all I know. One person always loves so much that no hurdle could break the bond. I would (would have… but cannot anymore) do anything to save it. Tired days, long travels, autos, waiting for days… only to be left in silence. Decisions made, hidden as though impulsive, but likely carefully plotted and thought through.
Values. Visions. Alignment.
Alignment… no longer aligning for one.
I would have found a way to make it work. Edit. Sit with it. Put in the effort.
Strength waning. Tired. Yet strength still present.
Don’t people pray, wish, and manifest for this kind of love?
Now… I hope I receive it too someday. Devotion. Patience. Acceptance. Understanding.
I am in love with them. I have to let go.
I am half in love with myself. Too many lessons in resilience. I scored 4.2 on the Grit scale. I am strong. Do not underestimate me. For once, I let go. I let go wholly. I surrender to the power before me. I pray now not for strength (this I already have, alone) but for peace.
Do I wait… for such love stays in waning. We know of the stories. It stays. People come and go. But this kind of love. People pray for. I pray for. But for now.. I have to let go.
Cannot love this way for I worry it causes them pain.
I need to love myself this way.
